A home away from "home".

My sisters (2) and I are staying in a new apartment for a week now. We actually moved last October 17, 2009 (Sunday). The decision of moving is abrupt. Actually, we didn't instantly want to leave "home" but we did. We can't hold on with ourselves of living into a "home: which is not really a home. It is mainly because of my stepmother and my father. We can't cling to keep our silence from living in a "home" where indifference in attitudes prevail. We hardly understand each other. And in order for us to live happily, without any adieu, we decided to move instantly.

That us why, without much sufferance, we decided to stay away from "home". Now, we are happy living with our own.

Problems of lending money to a closed friend.

Today, my friend named Malou came home early to borrow an amount of $1000. I recently received my salary yesterday. I supposed to pay the said amount for the space which I rented. Malou has a serious problem with her schooling that she needs to attain all her financial problems. And so doing, I lend her the money.

We had an agreement that on the third week of November, she should pay the amount or else I will be overly piled with bills, bills and bills. I hope that she will keep her promise.

Due to my merciful heart, I decided to lend the money not minding that I am in the great chaos of paying the rent. Nevertheless, I have another cash on hand probably next week.

It is hard to resist from a little favor of a friend especially that she is more in need of my help. Being hook in this kind of situation is not really a problem. I just make sure to find ways to look for cash.

Neglecting the needs of others, though I have sacrificed my own concern, is quite unreasonable. But at least Malou is going to take the exam now. That what matters to me anyway!

What is my mission here on Earth?

I often ask that question especially in times that I am feeling helpless and overly burden with problems.

Just this day, I again think of what really is my purpose here on Earth and why I came to exist. Why Jesus let suffering? I know well that it is not proper to question God and to go more deeper in the sense of going through the deeper sense of wondering especially when it is more about God. Probably, I don't have the right to interrogate Him with questions same as those. But it matters to me.

I have been in a great problem nowadays and questioning to the point of my existence and my purpose are what I always ask. Maybe because I am overly tired of living. It is because life for me is pointless and it keeps on haunting me (problems).

I am a very sensitive person and it hurts me much when life is not okay for us, sisters. I care about my sisters especially now that my mother is not with us anymore. She is in Heaven with the Lord.

Being the father, the mother, the bread-winner in the family, is so hard. I am almost losing my mind where to find money and food in order to sustain our needs. I am always on the side of supporting our family. I can't blame my sisters for not being able to look for jobs because they did not finish schooling. We are raised up in a family which lack of concern especially on love.

My father selfishly matters his own world with my stepmother. So worst because we don't have a house until now. That is why, I am doing my best to do whatever I can for us to own a house of our own.

I want to be happy and to experience happiness to a maximum. But how can I enjoy life that even when I was a kid, I am already matured to face life and maturely battling life with no enjoyment. I wish that I totally experience the nature of being a kid and how it feels liking life like a kid does.

I have miss many approaches in life especially on growing up. I have miss lots about life because I mature facing life's trials and uncertainties even when I was still a kid.

Song for Mother

Missing my precious Mother, Teresa R. Abucay, is like a day without life. I really miss her every day. So sad that she is not anymore with us. She is in Heaven with the Lord. All that was left for me are her memories, her imaginary presence and this song.

Song Lyrics

The world is about to end...?

Looking that the world is in chaos, natural disasters are happening in any part of the world. Here in the Philippines, we have experienced how typhoon Ondoy and typhoon Pepeng brought devastations that caused the lost of numerous, innocent lives. Who could have want such disasters can cause a lot of shakened livelihood and lost lives? Everyone has only one question in mind - Does the world will end or will about to end?

For me, I don't know! I am clueless. I don't know that these tragic phenomenons is a sign that the world will end. Probably, this is a warning that we will turn to Him, submitting ourselves, our live, our time and to repent.

I believe that whatever the world has and what might cause some things to happen or will happen, there is a message that would convey some deeper meaning. I believe that this world and the disasters that it will cause to happen are the decisions of Him. God is angry because we are blind in accepting Him. We are enjoying the world's material pleasures and we have no time for Him. We prioritize the lust and the superficial "happiness" that this world creates and gives. We selfishly enjoy the power of being greedy and powerful. Indeed, I believe that God is extremely angry with the people all around the world. I can feel his madness. And for that, I repent for all the wrong doings that I have done.

The world in recession is not a BIG worry for all of us unless we sin no more and we should and must REPENT.

I felt dizzy!

Today is not an ordinary day. I feel dizzy. I don't want to do anything and I end up just merely searching in the Internet and read, read, read and read.

I have nothing to say but just it seems that the weather is very hot. I felt with extreme warm. I feel hot and I don't want to do many things. It is another poor, old day. I guess...!

I always think of her.

Whenever I am down, her face views my sight. I said that I accepted that she is totally gone and she is not with us anymore. But no matter how I really tried to accept the bitter reality, her memories keeps haunting me. I love her so much and I miss her deeply. Whenever I am depress and whenever I think I carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, I listen to the music that is of her favorite. Whenever I hear it, I am comforted and secured that she is near and with me, with us.

It is so hard to accept the fact that she is really gone. No matter how I tried especially when I can recall the selfish acts of my stepmother and father, I always wish and hope Mama is here.

I know that I should be happy because she is now at peace and in peace together with the Lord. I should have let her go but it seems letting go is the hardest thing to do. I know that I am strong in facing trials. I know that I will not retreat nor surrender. But it seems that I am gradually feeling her deep lost that makes me lonely all the time. I really really really really really really miss her so much!

I hope that time comes that I can get over this. I hope that day will be always.

BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED, I STUCK UP ON THIS!

We are given to others. I almost HATE LIFE!

I hate the way my father acted this day. They had a chat with my Aunt in the USA. It is so hurtful that out from his mouth and his will, he is entrusting us to our Aunt. My father is not like this. My father is not like when my mother is still here. Now that he is with his new wife, his attitude turns into worst. I don't like the way he treated us and the idea that he is happy that he will give us to our Aunt.

We are living in one house with my stepmother and everyday, we (I, my father and my stepmother) don't have the good rapport. I almost hate my father and I am showing less respect because all he thinks is his self and his wife (my stepmother). I have a special sister who needs most of the help but it is just that I am overly burden of the pain and the sufferings of being always the ONE who attain to her needs without even the support of my father. If Mama is still here. If she is with us and was not lost, for sure, we (3 sisters) would not suffer like this.

This is the extreme darkness that I am suffering now. I don't know when will it shine and for how long am I going to suffer from the hands of the "selfish and cruel minds". I don't know because I am almost losing my breath. I don't want this kind of life. That is why, I am working with the best that I can to straigthen this life and to sustain the needs of my sisters. I promise that whatever happens, I will not leave them behind and I will do everything that I can in order to help them.

This is not the kind of home that I want for my sisters. I want them to be happy and I am always clinging to God for help and guidance because I know that after the rain, there's LIGHT.

Remembering my Mother's Birthday

Today is the birthday of my mother, Teresa Rasonabe Abucay. But she is not with us anymore. I miss her. I love her so much.

June 29, 2004, fresh on my mind. This day marks her death from a cancer, Myoma. That day is very tragic. I can't even accept that she is totally gone. I really miss her. I never felt the feeling of being lost and how life would be for us, 5. My father married another woman whom we (sisters) find our stepmother not so good. My youngest sister is already married and she is with her husband in the USA. My two sisters is with me. I am taking care of my special sister.

Being always the bread winner now and the father and the mother of my sisters, I find it quite hard because of the great responsibility that I have to take. It is not too easy being always on the side of making and earning for our living. I feel tired sometimes but it is not also my desire to quit because I care a lot of my sisters and our family as well.

That is why, I miss Mama! I miss her so much! I love her and I always miss her deeply.

In the state of acceptance for my sister's condition.

Yesterday, we went to the hospital to see a doctor for the monthly medication of my special sister. My father, my eldest sister, my special sister and me are there on time. The doctor was not there in the office and so we waited for 2 hours. The only person who entertain us in his office is his secretary.

Past 1 in the afternoon, the doctor arrived. We get inside his room and the consultation begun. After much talkings, the doctor advised us to report on a 7th or 8th, the next year, 2010.

I should be happy for the positive progress of my sister's condition and health but I pitied her a lot because she will take the medicine until few days of January, the next year.

I should condition my mind and myself that this is the reality. She will take the medicine until next year and that her medication will continuously go until that year.

Nevertheless, I should be happy and I need to accept the fact that this is how life is for her and us.